Video clips of horrified haunted house visitors always emerge at this time of year. Halloween inspires practical jokers to plan and implement devious methods of terrifying loved ones. Incredibly vulnerable people are jolted by an unknown predator lurking in their washing machine or under their comforter. Unsuspecting individuals round a corner to meet some ghoulish character in their face. Personally, I neither enjoy nor do I tolerate being scared. I tend to react as if I am a lifelong Tourettes Syndrome carrier. There will be no high pitch screams or fainting. There will be excessive profanity. So why then do I so enjoy watching other people being scared? In this case, I must confess to finding pleasure in other martyrs' pain.
I find myself laughing out loud and I feel guilty about it. Nonetheless I laugh uncontrollably at the sight of people becoming unhinged. These folks are the ones running into walls and screaming for mercy. They are tearing through the cornfields pleading for an escape. ( But seriously, who arrives at a cornfield in the night during the fall expecting a positive outcome) ?
Now consider that I am a woman who has never fully recovered from viewing the horror classic House of Wax with Vincent Price . The later appearance of Carolyn Jones on the television series, The Addams Family was my only convincing evidence that she was, in fact, acting and not truly waxed. And before you go there I was fine with The Munsters and The Addams Family. I was however not fine with Night Gallery which my older sister insisted on me watching with her. I was also not great with Dark Shadows which my best friend considered great television. No you did not see me in the theatre for The Twilight Series or anything involving vampires.
There is a current television show on the SYFY network called Scare Tactics hosted by Tracy Morgan. Again I am laughing at people being emotionally injured by elaborate pranks. These poor souls are paralyzed with fear. I am very sorry and I am still laughing. I must be missing some sort of jokester compassion gene.
I have never seen Silence Of The Lambs and I never hope to see it. I like lambs. Sheep as a group have never offended me in any way. Why should I wish them harm ? I do not even like the teasers for this film. I once unknowingly viewed Poltergeist with some friends. I thought it was a German spy film. I did. The film began and I was so very confused and then I was so very unhappy. Then my cohorts discovered my fears post-viewing. So they plotted and gathered an old clown from an attic and placed it in the bedroom where I was a guest. Correct. These people were trusted friends. Then to be even more humorous they moved the damn clown. ( See? The cursing has already begun). No I did not look under that bed. In horror flicks, no one survives looking under the bed. Just walk away. Then run away and do not look back.
And for the love of everything holy, do not run upstairs or into a dead-end street or lock yourself in a car. Scary things chase you. Scary things are not afraid of heights. Scary things live in cornfields. You drive up to the haunted house in the cornfield laughing and smiling. Then things start to happen. Who is smiling now? The same goes for a haunted forest. It gives a whole new meaning to petrified forest.
The Haunted Forest warning sign in The Wizard of Oz reads I'd turn back if I were you. The Cowardly Lion attempts to obey but his friends convince him to continue. Those two steps forward brought flying monkeys into his life. He had enough problems without aerial monkeys. But when he screamed because he thought someone pulled his tail and it turned out to be him, I laughed. Dear God, what is wrong with me ? It was funny though.
I have confessed my guilty pleasure and yet I do not feel cured. So enjoy yourselves. Walk unwittingly straight into clear doom. Arrive at the cornfields and houses and forests with a newfound courage that unlike last year, you will NOT be scared this time. Have fun you human sacrifices. Bug out your eyes like Looney Tunes characters. Shreik as loud as you possibly can. Run as fast as you can while being chased by a zombie. Go in there and make me proud. More importantly, make me laugh.
No comments:
Post a Comment